A year of solution-focused self-care: Maintaining Boundaries

When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves. ~ William Arthur Ward

In our last blog we discussed the importance of setting boundaries when we are trying to move the locus of control from others to ourselves. As we shared, the “Let Them” theory by Mel Robbins, helps you break free from managing others’ expectations and reclaim your time, energy, and happiness. According to Robins, “When you “Let Them” do whatever it is that they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace for you and a better relationship with the people in your life.” 

We hope you’ve had a chance to practice setting some boundaries, or are considering areas of life where setting boundaries may be helpful. Have you found yourself saying, “Let Them” instead of jumping in to solve a problem or change someone’s mind? We hope you find the experience rewarding. After setting some boundaries, what’s next? This week we focus on maintaining the boundaries set. 

Maintaining boundaries can be challenging for several reasons. Here are 7 common obstacles people face:

1. Guilt and people-pleasing tendencies: Feeling guilty about setting boundaries is the number one challenge, especially for those who have a strong desire to please others. This guilt can make it difficult to say “no” or to enforce limits. A common area we hear people living with diabetes mention is around food. For instance going to a family holiday gathering and feeling pressured to eat special foods that may or may not fit into the personal plan. 
2. Fear of conflict or rejection: Many people are used to being the easy going one or the one who always says “yes”. There’s worry that changing this dynamic might upset others or damage relationships. Referring back to the example in #1. 
3. Lack of clarity about personal needs: Sometimes, individuals are not entirely clear about their own needs and limits. This lack of self-awareness can make it difficult to “stick to” the boundaries they set. Sometimes going back to the beginning and re-evaluating can help.
4. Enabling behavior: Enabling behavior, where one person allows another to continue harmful or unhealthy actions, can undermine boundary-setting efforts. This often happens in relationships where one person feels responsible for the other’s well-being. Unfortunately continuing the behavior prevents growth and reinforces dependence. Another food related example (common theme here), a spouse or partner brings a food in the home that you’ve asked them not to because it’s hard to resist, yet they do it anyway. 
5. Different situations require different boundaries: Boundaries are not one-size-fits-all. They need to be adapted to different situations and relationships, which can be confusing and challenging to manage. Boundaries at work will be different than at home. Different boundaries may be required for family members or partners who for instance take on monitoring roles and become overly involved with data and alerts from CGM.
6. Unhealthy beliefs: Limiting beliefs, such as thinking that setting boundaries will make you lose relationships or that you are not important enough to impose boundaries, can hinder your ability to maintain them. We all deserve to be respected and feel in control of our decisions.
7. Inconsistent enforcement: Inconsistency in enforcing boundaries can send mixed signals to others, making it harder for them to respect your limits. With practice you can make progress with consistency.  If you find this is difficult, it may be time to re-think the current boundary, maybe it isn’t right for you.

When faced with a challenge to maintain your boundary, go back to the reason you set it in the first place. Review your goals for the boundary and prepare internal talking points. Do more of what works. We have found that the simple, yet impactful “Let them” can be a  remarkable opportunity to shift your thinking in an instant. Maybe you need a little support, pull in your family or friends that you’ve identified when setting boundaries and have them ready to support you. Setting and maintaining boundaries is a process, with ups and downs, progress and setbacks and that’s okay. Understanding these challenges and identifying practical solutions can help you build more fulfilling relationships and stronger self-advocacy skills. 

Let us know what you’ve found to help you maintain your boundaries. We’d love to share with others.

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Deb is employed by Dexcom, but her words and opinions in this blog are her own.

Tami is employed by the University of Kentucky HealthCare Barnstable Brown Diabetes Center, but her words and opinions in this blog are her own.